Compelling thoughts

I haven’t written in a while and I feel rusty. Sometimes I feel as if I am trying too hard to write. My last post was just about what I did and what happened to me during the days that I didn’t post anything and now I am starting to feel dubious about my writing. Am I good enough?

I have always been doubtful about anything I do. I always think that I haven’t done good enough work, that I haven’t worked hard enough on a project, or I haven’t given my 100% to something.

I am also not as confident as people think I am. Take the Christmas party that Rotaract Suzhou just organised. I was one of the organisers and I was very doubtful of my capabilities. But when I am in a group, discussing ideas, I feel confident. I say what I think and I don’t care whether it’s a good idea or not.

Before the party on Saturday, I felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time. I felt anxious. There was a knot in my belly and it was tightening, and loosening at the same time. I tried to eat dinner, but I was so stressed that I could not even finish my French fries, and I LOVE French fries. I wanted to cry just so the anxiety would go away. I was stressed and anxious and totally not confident. I wanted to cave in my shell and go back home but there was a part of me which stayed strong and managed to overcome this fear of I-don’t-know-what.

I managed to brief everyone and we started the party and if you had seen me before the party and at the party, you would not have believed that I was the same person. It was as if being surrounded by people gave me a confidence boost. I was the one grabbing people and dragging them to the dance floor. I was literally jumping everywhere (in heels) and trying to make everyone enjoy. Of course, there was a team of us handling the party. And, I guess having them around helped with my anxiety.

I was hopping around like a bunny, trying to persuade the shy guests to dance and I told them that I am a shy person. They could not believe it. But I am. I am shy, but I don’t know why and how I feel different when I take charge, I do not feel shy when I know that there are people I can count on. And there are times when I think that maybe I am being too dependent on people, and there are other times when I feel that I should stop being too independent and that it’s okay to depend on others.

I was in a strange kind of bliss the whole night. I met some old friends and some new ones.

December (2017)

We danced, played beer pong, jingle in the trunk, musical chairs, and oh did I say that we danced? I LOVE dancing. We also had a salsa teacher who taught us how to dance the salsa. Aaaand of course, we have a tradition, that of dancing the Macarena at all of our events. We danced to the beats of Macarena, and to some Afro beats, to Reggae and we danced until we were tired and I had to remove my heels and wear sensible ballet flats.

I returned home afterwards and then, the demons came out, when I went to bed and I was all alone with my thoughts. My mind dissected whatever happened during the day and operated slowly on the little things that I had said and done. This used to happen before but it had stopped for a period of time. And now, it has started again. My brain over analysed the events of the night and questioned the inner me.

“Your friend came, but you did not spend too much time with her. What would she think of you? Did you ensure that she and her husband had a good time? Shouldn’t you text her?”

“But it’s late”

“What about your friends and team? You didn’t do a good job. Why were you just dancing? You should have been helping out your friends with their tasks.”

“But but 😦 😵 😵😓😓😰😨…..”

This situation prevents me from having a good night’s sleep and I end up sleeping until way past my wake up time. I feel energized and pumped when I am in group activities. I manage to have a good time despite the adversities, but my brain overly thinks about whatever I do and say, and I end up feeling miserable.

I couldn’t take photos but as soon I get those from the photographer, I will be posting them on my website, so go on, like, share and follow me:)!

Happy Holidays everyone! 2 more weeks to go until 2018. So let’s make the best of the remainder of 2017!!

 

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