Confession(s)

I have something to confess. I am a fast walker. I walk with purpose and determination and I like to walk quickly. I don’t know how to walk slowly unless I am with a group of people and I am talking to them at the same time, then I slow down. Otherwise I always walk briskly and as such I tend to miss out on some extraordinary things.

I miss the unique bird that just flew right beside me just because I was not looking around, and I was too busy focusing on reaching my destination. And I guess this trait of mine is both physical and mental.

The only other time when I slow down is when I wear heels. I walk slower than that friend who is normally a slow walker. I suck at walking in heels but I like the power that I feel when I am in heels. I feel tall, confident and empowered.

Today though, I decided to start the change of slowing down and looking trees, looking at the waves in the water, the reflection of the sky, buildings in the dirty canal water, listening to birds chirp, inhaling the cold, and heavy air which burns the insides of the nose, watching bikes swerving around, buses and vehicles honking for no reason at all, and just being in the moment.

I don’t know where I am going with the change though. The year 2017 has been an exceptionally hard year for me and I have been on a rollercoaster ride of emotions and I have been drained and tired, devoid of my self-worth at times and then I have also felt strong, independent and empowered.

There has been a shift in me, in the way I look at life, at myself and at my relationships. My core values still prevail very strongly but I am changing. I can see the change. I can feel it. But it is painful and draining. There is a conflict in my head. There are two sides of me and they are competing. Each one of them wants to dominate the other, but right now, I feel as if I am still undecided at which side of my brain I should listen to and hence, I take contradictory decisions and I have conflicting thoughts about how I feel and think.

I sometimes am too focused on the little things that may not make sense to others and that might not even matter, and I forget to look at the bigger picture. And then there are times when I look only at the big picture and forget to notice the smallest of things. I don’t know whether people can relate to me because I feel different. I feel as if no one will understand what I am feeling.

It is all the more difficult for me because I am at a point in my life where everyone is asking me what I want to do after graduating. Many of my classmates are applying to universities for their masters degree, and others are applying to companies for jobs and I feel confused. I don’t know what my true calling is. I am still figuring myself out. This change is messing up with my mind and I don’t want to change.

I don’t like change but I feel that it is necessary to change, and to get out of my comfort zone and be more confident in myself and to tell myself that I deserve to be happy, that I should love myself, and that I am worthy of love. It is not always that I will want this though. There are times when I feel like crap, when I don’t want to do anything and I just feel too stupid, and insignificant to be worthy of anything good. I just want to wallow in self-pity. But everyone has bad days and we should embrace the emotions as we are feeling them and embrace the truth of the moment, accept the bad feelings. We should also embrace the good things that happen even if it’s insignificant to others. If it’s a big thing for us, we should celebrate it and congratulate ourselves.

It has become easier for me to accept the good and the bad and I hope that this decision to change has good consequences but I don’t think of the consequences anymore, I stay in the moment and take it all in, the good, the bad, the pain, and the joy.

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