A little more about me

I first started this blog to let readers know about scenic spots in Suzhou, the city I am currently living in. After a while, it turned into an account of my daily life and experiences. Then I started writing creative stuff, like poetry and fictional short stories and now I can sense that I am leaning towards writing about my problems and difficulties that I face, something which did not appeal to me in the beginning.

I used to hear people say that penning down your thoughts is a good way to let go of them. I used to debate constantly about whether I wanted to let the world know about the struggles I face. I used to journal my life on and off, on my phone or in my diary, but it didn’t seem to help me get rid of the emotional baggage that I had. I sometimes used to go on a “cleaning-my-room” frenzy, after which I felt clean, tidy, and mentally better but this would work only in a few situations. I also tried yoga because I used to do yoga before I came to China, but I couldn’t see the change. I think that I was too impatient and I was too hard with myself. I was too focused on the outcome, on the big changes and accomplishments rather than the small wins.

Last year was the beginning of a journey of recovery. Getting on the path to get healed is difficult, not only because it is hard to get on it but also because you will get off the path a lot of the times. You will give up, you will cry, you will feel angry and hurt. You will have periods of peace when you will think that you are healed but no, healing takes time.

It will be 9 months next week since the first time I went to counseling. This is the first time that I am talking about it, and only one person (my best friend) knows about it but now you all do. I haven’t told my family yet because I don’t know how they will take it. I don’t want to worry them and I don’t know how they will react.

I used to feel ashamed to seek help. What would people think? Depression and mental health are taboo in many societies. I thought that I would be seen as being weak. I used to feel that there is something wrong with me (sometimes I still do), but now this feeling has subsided. It is easy to isolate yourself just because you don’t want to share your feelings and your problems, just like I did, but a part of me didn’t want to stay like that forever. That part of me wanted to feel better about myself. It wanted me to stop believing the dark side of me and start believing in myself, start loving myself and start caring about myself.

I have had a few wins the last part of last year and this year. I am grateful for the small positive things that happen to me and try in various ways to let go of the bad things. Writing is one way for me to let go, but there are lots of other ways. Mindfulness is a popular way people are trying to get out of the downward spiral caused by stress and anxiety. Mindfulness does not include only one viable way to help yourself. Some of the ways I use to try and stay sane can be found here.


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